When me and my horse are at our absolute best, my stream of consciousness is something like - "There. There. Ball. Ball. There. Ah. There. V. Catch. There. There. There. Hew. Hew. There. Hew. Up. There. Path. Armpit. There"
And even that isn't a good description of what is going on in my mind. Because those are words! Looking so limp and sterile on the screen. And if I'm riding well I'm not thinking in words, I'm thinking in pictures, colours, lines, impressions, shapes, noises, colours, flashes of memory of previous rides, feels in my body, or vague impressions of things going past me. It's like we've got this moment, and the next moment. And this moment, and the next moment.
In each moment, I just get a little snapshot impression of where we are now (physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, postural directional, spacial states). And then in the next moment, we are somewhere else, in a different state. And sometimes I attempt to alter the next moment, sometimes I don't. Even when I'm not altering the next moment I am still there feeling the next moment - I don't evaporate off the back of the horse and return at the end of the long side when it's time to go around the corner. (OK, sometimes I do. But I try to avoid that. Many horses don't seem to like it.)
I have a bit of a healthy paranoia about accidently micromanaging horses, overriding horses, or accidently putting horses into situations that are inappropriate or harmful for their brain or body.
A paradox which I have returned to several times is that I cannot not influence a horse I am siting on.
Even if I am sitting quietly following their motion and their speed. The tensigrity in my body, the pictures in my mind, the spread of my toes in my boots - all of that influences my horse.
Equally, I am influenced by them. Even if they are just obligingly pottering around carrying me. The swing of their barrel, the stuffing in their back, the depth of their breathing - all of that influences me.
When I can ride well as described above, I am incredibly aware of both the influence I am having on the horse and the influence the horse is having on me. The horse seems to go with more quality and less tension. The horse seems more at ease in themselves, and often pleased with themselves.
The variations from moment to moment in the horses state look smaller to the outside observer. But they feel larger to me ontop. I can feel small things like the change in my horses back when I move the direction of my breath from his ears to his cervical trapezius. I can feel how the path of his hind legs through space changes how my the balls of my feet roll across my stirrups.
Here is the important part. In this mode, I start to have more influence over the horse. I start to become more causal. The horse begins to follow me more. Even if I am not using more or stronger or different aids. The horse comes more into alignment with me. Now I am leading - even if that was not what I set out to do.
When I start to notice how strong the causal relationship between me and my horse becomes, this concern actually makes me want to ride less well. I often start to ride well then back off, concerned about overriding or overinfluencing or micromanaging my horse.
I start to ask myself - is that microadjustment of my balance an aid? Is that flash of colour an aid? Is that little snippet of sensory data an aid? Is that visualization of how I want my pelvis to arc through space an aid? Is my intention that I want the outside front to land securely on the ground through this turn an aid? aM i uSInG tOO mANY AidS?!?
By riding well, am I automatically getting an undue amount of influence over my horse?
I realize that doesn't make a lot of sense.
Surely, I am already having influence on my horse when I am not aware and present - so I might as well make sure its good influence by being aware and present? Surely, the fact that the horses genuinely seem to be happier when I ride that way means that it's a positive experience for the horse? Surely, the fact that riding in noticing mode makes me MORE aware and responsive to my horses state with its constant little oscillations means it's a good thing? Surely, the fact that horses don't do everything I want, constantly offer small autonomous movements, frequently go off script means I'm not overriding them? Surely, the fact that literally everyone I know says I'm the last person who would actually boss a horse around means my concerns are probably not grounded in reality? Surely just because I can feel myself taking a leader role, and my horse into a pacer role, does not mean I am being inconsiderate of my horses anatomy? Surely, the fact that this is a mode I never really get into for more than a gorgeous minute means I'm still leaving ample room for my horse? Surely, if I'm going to get on a horse and share synchronous movement together, I owe it to the horse to actually use my fucking skills and ride with some quality?
Regardless, the concern that riding well will give me undue influence over a horse has been holding back my riding.
I need to ponder this for myself, and for the benefit of my horses.