So history of me and why I started writing.
Around 2024 I had a big dark-night-of-the-soul in my horsemanship.
Beginning of 2022 I brought an OTTB because I felt sorry for her. At the time, I had been riding already for like 17yrs, pony club, dressage, trail riding, backed horses, horsemanship stuff, multiple OTTBs in the past working pupil at a competitive dressage barn etc etc. And I was at this point in my horsemanship where I was really trying to listen to horses better and consciously develop more feel.
And then this mare (named Sasha) I would get on her and increasingly have these hideous panic attacks, just the strongest sense I needed to get off right now. So I thought I was going a bit crazy for a bit, because I'd never had a problem like that riding before. Then I discovered Sasha had some of the worst kissing spine ever - and I had been totally right to not want to ride her.
The good part of this story is then I went on a weird and wonderful journey where I learnt about inhand work and bodywork etc etc, got her really happy and comfortable, kept her really happy and comfortable, until she had an accident in the paddock and started going majorly downhill, then I put her down mid 2024.
The bad part of the story was that afterwards I was deeply grieving and I really needed to rebuild from the ground up if I wanted to ask horses to do anything for me at all ever, and so every bit of horsemanship philosophy in my mind was systematically turned over and examined in depth as I sort of rebuilt everything from the ground back up again.
Thats how come I've had some of these concerns and musings about different subjects - not because the concern was necessarily matched the situation I was in, but because I really did climb out of a mental ditch and to detoured into a lot of rabbit holes on the way back up.
Anyhow I still have a lot of self doubt and confidence issues around horsemanship etc etc, and for a while I was really beating myself up cause I'm like a wee beginner rider atm, trotting around on the buckle and not asking too much of the pony*. Not doing any of the fun stuff one might expect for a woman who has given every spare thought to horses for nearly 20yrs now.
But then I changed my perspective. I decided since I basically tore my horsemanship apart and rebuilt it from the foundations in 2024 - I don't need to be a horsewoman with 20yrs experience now. I I can be a horsewoman with 1yrs experience instead. From that lens I'm doing GREAT. <3